April 23, 2008

I've been thrown to the curb

Big Shooter came in the door from work and began his nightly routine while I was jawin' at him. I know, not polite. But, c'mon! I'm a tad under the gun right now and have to squeeze all Jawin' Time in when ever it will fit...

Any way, it began with a simple question.

Me:"Do you want me to read this email to you or are you okay with me sending it now?"

B.S.: "Yes."

Me: "Yes what? You want me to read it...or send it?

B.S.: "I said yes."

Me: "????? Yes what?"

Kid you not, he rolled his eyes and said very slowly: "Y y y e e e s."

At which point he knew he'd pushed me too far cause he saw me glance in the Crumbs direction and knew I was calculating exactly what they could hear/see from where I sat.

So he comes close to me and instead of clarifying he says: "Oh Wife... My Beloved Wife of my youth. May I please be blessed by your lovely voice reading me the forth coming information you wish to send to the masses? ...Oh Beautiful Wife."

Me: Thought - "Bite me, Peasant Boy." Said - "I'd love to My Lord." Which of course was met with gales of laughter from the Crumb Snatchers...little beasts.

He finished his all important nightly routine and then came back by and said, "You know after 20 years you'd think we speak the same language by now...I'm sorry Sweetie, I thought I was speaking English." Aaarrgh. If I didn't know any better I'd say he's loving that Cancer Card! He knows I am chompin' at the bit to let 'er rip! ...and he's...he's...baiting me! Oh Father forgive me...I am about to sin...and enjoy every second of it.

But back to the Little Beasts that Abandoned Me for Their Father, Sweet Girl Child pipes up and says, "Daddy here's you (puts her precious little hand up like a puppet) 'Hello my beautiful wife. How are you today?' And here's Mommy (puts her other little betraying hand in the air like a puppet and in a squeaky little annoying voice says) 'Hola. Como esta? Yo es muy loca!'"


They, all three, fell on the floor in a heap of laughter...


They have NO IDEA...what evil things I find humorous.

But, they're about to.


Of course I don't have any ideas for evil tricks... do you? Have any evil ideas? ...but please make sure they're not too mean. I can't bear the thought of actually hurting their little feelings. Now Big Shooter on the other hand? Puh-leeze...he's lucky he's got cancer...

Love Note to my Big Shooter: Usted es el amor de mi vida. Esto ha sido veinte años llenos de momentos graciosos. ¡Gracias por todas las risas! Usted es mi Príncipe Encantador, mi caballero en la armadura brillante. Le amo. Trust me. It's gag-a-rama in Espanol.


S. A. Merritt said...

Oh, I love this one! I'm trying not to laugh too hard right now because there are 5 sleeping people in my house :) You guys are great – all of you!

Anonymous said...

Did I mention Teenagers and problems...Well Stacey most Grow beyound that stage....on the other hand ...you?
Now too the important stuff! "Just enough" pressurized whipped cream in the toe of "their right shoe" that they don't realize it but something isn't "quite right" today....but you are on the floor rolling about and holding your sides laughing your fanny off....ALL DAY LONG..and don't tell em....they will wear a hole in that sock crinkling their toes....works for me!

Jennifer said...

My precious ones weren't sleeping so I laughed HARD and LOUD!!! Oh, but we should be on our way to school. Gotta go!!!!!

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Perfect Dad! Thanks!
My Dear FIL doesn't have anything? Are you kidding me?! I was counting on some doozies from you. I lived with you for a while, dated your boy for a while, was around a while to get a first row seat and first hand experience. I KNOW you have some. Is it because all you have are too evil for my precious youngins? Or have you mellowed that much in your OLD age?

Andrea said...

Dad has a great idea, however, it is a bit flawed...here's why

The whipped cream has a bit of stickiness to it when it dries (because of the bit of sugar in it, I guess) so shoes could actually be ruined. Then, the last laugh is their's because YOU have to go out and buy new shoes, and probably new socks because of the holes. My suggestion is that you use shaving cream instead of whipped cream, thus eliminating the prospect of having to go through this mess all over again with a different mean thing. Make sense?

Leslie said...

You are killing me! Love your blog!!!

Flea said...

Bwahahaha!!! Silly String doesn't stick or stain. Just sayin'.

Lindsay said...

I love everything you write girl! You crack me up!
I am also digging all the love letters!
ps. THANKS for your sweet words on my contest... I am thrilled it brought in some donations! I am almost done!! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

FIL said...

Hey Darlin, Sorry I took so long. But I've been reading your love notes to Bri. Got Gracias on the first try... but havin a little trouble with the rest.

Whats your problem? You ask a question, got an answer. Kinda proud how Bri handled it. I taught him well. To know what button to push and when to push it and to know what reaction your going to get. ITS A GIFT YA KNOW.

Heres something you might try.... Let him out on the interstate at night, back up, turn the lights on. That would be a a neat trick.

Love you guys

Sheila said...

You are so very hilarious... and you seem to be raising a 'herd of beasts' quite similar to yourself... that is they have a sense of humor too. I am so sorry that you were the target of their comedy routine. Hummm, how to re-pay them, I will have to think about it???? Thanks for making me smile! toodles, Sheila