October 15, 2008


I wasn't sure whether to call this post:

* Got Called Chubby by Amish Granny While Pickin' Up Our Hawg Today.
* Son Ducked Down in Backseat From Embarrassment Caused by Mom Today
* According to the Cookies: Obama Will Be Our Next POTUS
* Did I REALLY Miss the Last Faux Debate Tonight?
* Yes, I Did. And Strangely, I Don't Care...

Here's our day...

~ Taught my youngins' the subjects that need teachin' at home, well...at home. So we could take a road trip while they finished the rest.

~ Took them to our fave bakery to buy them a Political Cookie. The Best Bakery In The Free World keeps a runnin' tally of how many Republican and Democrat candidate cookies they sell. It is very competitive and very precise...and delicious, ahem.

~ Drove to a very small town to pick up a hog our fam is splittin' halfsies with Sashi's fam. Homeschool was in full swing at this joint...Oh. My. Word. So many questions. So many disgusting questions. I now know why curiosity killed the cat. I almost paid the kill fee two more times...

~ Had to stop at the Local Seed and Feed to ask a group of men standing around the back of a truck jawin' for a direction clarification. After thanking the gentlemen and beginning to drive away, Boy Child pops up from a prone position in the back of the Excursion and says, "Okay, you can make my acquaintance again." It took me a sec. Then it dawned on me. "Were you lying down hiding back there while I asked for directions?" His answer, "Uh, YEAH! Hel-lo Mommy (I loved the Mommy part) you just pulled up to a bunch of MEN you didn't know, inter-rupted them, and let them know you were lost...or whatever you were..." Speechless. I was just speechless. Girl Child wasn't. She piped up, "Are you serious Boy Child ?!? Why? Just tell me. I want to know why you were embarrassed???" I just looked at her, shrugged and added, "If you figure that one out Sister...you'll be considered a genius."

~ Had the bright idea since I was in Amish Country to stop in and find a date our homeschool group could go out and dine with them in December. Granny Fanny (her real name btw) at one point was referring to the two of us and said, "You understand honey. You're chubby too." I started to snort. Snort loud. I only stopped because of the horrified look on my Crumb Snatchers faces. Is it bad to snort in front of the Amish? Do they know something at they're tender age about the Amish I do not? I have not been called Chubby since...I can't even remember people. I am not chubby. I am fat. It just cracked me up. Girl Child told me later she was proud of me for not correcting "the nice fat granny because she would have found out she was fat too...not chubby." My sweet Girl. Always looking out for the fat people of the world.

~ On our way home I stopped at a vegetable stand. If I just stopped typing there it wouldn't be interesting. But this vegetable stand was at lease 4-5 miles from the nearest small town off a very busy country highway. Nothing around. Nothing. Just a little pop-up tent thingy and a table loaded with veggies. There were no cars or trucks. Not even for the lady running it. We pulled up (after I glanced over, saw it, jammed the brakes, and Boy Child got slammed by 250 pounds of frozen HAWG sliding forward) and when I opened the door to get out I forgot I was in the very tall, Giant Gas Hog and fell out into the dirt. Bam! All I heard was ruckus, loud, hold-your-belly laughing from the Crumbs. I shoulda paid the Kill Fee a few hours before... The little lady turned out to be some sort of Asian decent and started shouting towards me. I still don't know if she was saying, "Oh my! Are you okay?" or "You idiot. That's what you get for driving a gas hog you Chubby housewife!" Since I couldn't understand anything she was saying I couldn't communicate the cost of anything either. So finally I pulled out the cash I had left in my wallet. (It was a measly $7.75 since I bought a drink at the butcher's place to get my children's mouths occupied with something other than questions. And then the fleecing I endured at Granny Fanny's buying her Chicken Base, her granddaughter's beaded jewelry for Girl Child and a Granny Fanny Cookbook.) Anyway, I handed the little lady the cash and after much pointing she handed me a giant bag of fresh from her garden green beans, a big bag of tomatoes and a bag of cukes! Fresh from the red dirt of an Oklahoma garden. For $7.75. It was by far, the best part of my day. Sans the embarrassing fall into the said Red Dirt.

~ The final straw, the last feather in my hat, the thing that pushed me over the brink (and helped me forget about the debates) was I witnessed a horrifying scene. (If I could plug my ears, say "blah, blah, blah", cover my eyes and still type, I would.) The girl Terrorist is no longer biting my beloved BDP...she is trying to...well, mount him...constantly. Yorkie on Pug action is not what I had in mind for the evening's entertainment. Keeping her occupied for the evening so he could rest was my final act of the evening.

I am going to bed now. I need some kind of yoga technique to clear my brain. I am not sure which part of my day could cause the most traumatic dream...there seems to be a whole plethora to chose from.

Now that you've endured thus far. I am offering a small prize (Arbonne Ginger Citrus Body Butter) for the best title of this post. Thank you and Good Night.

Love Note to my Big Shooter: I so hope you like pork...for so many different reasons...


Andrea@Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

I don't know HOW you can expect any creative title thoughts to come when I am LAUGHING so hard!

Can I come hang out with you for a day. Please!


FIL said...

How about?


Love ya


faroutmom said...

Sweetie, your day must have been really bad. It must have seemed two days long..because the debate is tonight. Not last night. You didn't miss it...rest easy.

faroutmom said...

As for the title:

Fell on my arse. Not the worst part of the day.

(not creative, but mine all the same.)

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Dearest FIL ~ You are so right. It was just another day around here! When I hand Big Shooter the list of titles (without author's names) I will surely die laughing at the look on his face if he chooses HIS FATHER's and you win BODY BUTTER...hee, heee, hooo, hoo. Just thinkin' about it tickles me from head to toe.

My sweet and lover-ly friend Farout, Oh, how I miss thee...and the smart arse humor on a daily basis!
And...REALLY??? The debates are tonight? Crud. Now I'll have to come up with a better, more elaborate excuse for not watching!

faroutmom said...

yes. you will. my excuse is that Project Runway is on. I do have priorities, dang it!

faroutmom said...

I don't know what I did on that last post but I must have accidentally cleared the last sentence while I hit send.

it read:
you may steal my excuse and use it as your own. No one has to know whether or not you actually watch Project Runway.

ShEiLa said...

There's no place like home!

Since I have been reading Wicked and thinking about the land of Oz and you were about your travels experiencing the 'no tact' with which people go about spewing at total strangers.

the last debate is tonight! you didn't miss it my 'fellow patriot'.


ShEiLa said...

I just read your comment...
we agree once more. If the debates thus far had been 'on the edge of your seat' interesting and they had even resembled what debates should be... you wouln't have to find an excuse NOT to watch.
ToOdLeS aGaiN ShEiLA

Flea said...

You're last line had me laughing. :) And I thought maybe you'd need a yogurt technique to clear your brain. You know.

Melissa ♥ Spoiled Mommy said...

Wow- what a day! haha

I dont even know what to title it, Im speechless!

Flea said...

I liked the last title you offered. Seems to fit best. But if we have to come up with one on our own ...

Straight Shooter Shot Down by Fat Granny

Anonymous said...

How about......

Porky the Pig Picks Up a Pig

Not that I'm callin' you a pig, sister - just paraphrasing that smooth talking Amish gentleman.

Goob said...

I submit to you the title
"...and the Pig Just Grinned."

FerLee said...

I would love to try and come up with a title...but it's too hard. You've always been the best at titles when we crop so if you can't figure one out then how could I.


I'd love the body butter though...sounds delightful!!!

Perhaps it should be "Simply Stumped?"

See...told you that you were better at this than me!!!