Double Whammy

Yesterday I shared my father and his wife's very sad news...
Today, it is our own family's sad news.
And by family I mean all my neighbors.

Our sweet, sweet girl Eula Mae has been moved to a nursing facility.

Her best friend, Girl Child, is having a very hard time. She is missing her visits. She is missing their special secrets. She is missing their "plain ole everydayness".
She is missing her friend.
Maaan...I hate these kinds of Life Lessons.
I wanna play hooky from being the teacher during these times...

Please pray for our friend. As of now, she does not yet know she has spent her last nights in the home she has lived in for the past 60+ years... I believe when she realizes it, she will head down hill like a loose ball. Unable to be caught.
Getting older bites.

Love Note to my Big Shooter: Sorry for all the doom and gloom. Even though aging does not thrill me in the slightest, I sure am glad it is you who will be with me in the end. All wrinkly with glistening eyes. I love that twinkle by the way. Just thought I'd mention that now before Alzheimer's sets in and I forget...

Fact of the Day: What is an apiarist? And what is a glossa?



A beekeeper and another name for an insect's tongue.

Run Like the Dickens Miss Montana!

Our hearts are sharing the grief today with my Dad and his wife, GrannyM.

They showed the ultimate act of love to their constant and most loving companion yesterday morning by allowing her to cross the Rainbow Bridge with the dignity and grace Miss Montana was so well known for.

Though there is nothing we can do.

Nothing we can say.

We want them to know, "We love you both. We understand. And we are so, so very sorry you had to let her go..."

When we had to endure the pain and grief after our most Precious Girl, Remington crossed The Bridge, I read this poem to myself often.

MY FOREVER PET

There's something missing in my home,

I feel it day and night,

I know it will take time and strength

before things feel quite right.

But just for now, I need to mourn,

My heart -- it needs to mend.

Though some may say, "It's just a pet,

"I know I've lost a friend.

You've brought such laughter to my home,

and richness to my days.

A constant friend through joy or loss

with gentle, loving ways.

Companion, friend, and confidante,

A friend I won't forget.

You'll live forever in my heart,

My sweet, forever pet.

-- Susanne Taylor

I hope it helps in the very smallest of ways.

If not, then gaze at the picture below and imagine what she is doing right now...

You know she is!

She's loving life. Chasing everything that moves and smiling that big, happy grin.

We love you.

I lost my fair and balanced card.

I, shockingly, get accused of being far, faaaar right. A brain-less, evangelical follower. My most fave assumption/opinion, and of course completely unbiased, accusation is being a most fair and balanced...um, indoctrinated citizen?
I would totally agree with all those educated, unbiased and completely open minded opinions except for one thing ~ apparently my Fair and Balanced card expired.
I haven't turned on the fair and balanced in months.
I didn't ever notice before, during my crazy indoctrination days, how much make-up these people wear.
I didn't recognize any young, roving reporters.
But what did it for me is, "Where the heck is Allen?????"
Seriously.
Someone fill me in.
Please.
Is he gone? Is it really just the Sean Show w/out any checks and balances?
Did he defect to a less fair and balanced show?
Does anyone miss him besides me?
These are the questions that kept me up last night.

Y'all I'm worn out from my 3 minutes of Pleather Time...

I'll post tomorrow.
(wink. wink.)

Happy Birthday S.S

To the light of my life on her 40th birthday,

Welcome to the club, sucks to be here but at least we have each other to grow old with. I like to think of it like this. You're not forty; you're eighteen with twenty two years of experience.

We have been together longer in life than we have been apart. And for that I apologize. You probably need a vacation. but I would not trade one day with you. Even when you get mad enough to walk out, I know you will come back for the toothbrush, because good oral hygiene trumps divorce any day.

I love you with all my heart, and my last good kidney. Happy birthday lover.

P.S. Get a babysitter, ITS PLEATHER TIME!!! Best 3 minutes of the year baby!!!!

Yep. I was born 40 years ago today.

I hadn't really thought it through. The whole turning 40 thing. So when Girl Child asked me what my birthday post was going to be about for the 40th ever-lovin' time, I figured maybe I should put a little thought into it.

It didnt' work.

I came up with nada.

And then in swooped The Good Flea to save the day!

She awarded me this little do hickey:


She says I have to tell you ten "juicy honest things" about myself. So I figure let's name 40, one for each year and then call it a day.
I have a feeling it may get ugly by the end... Just know I loved you all. This will be the last time some of you visit.

1. If I don't tweeze my chin daily (okay twice, daily) I can grow a perfect foo man chu beard.
2. Feet gross. me. out. Don't touch me with your toes if you want to keep them. I am serious.
3. I locked myself in my aunt's bathroom and smoked a pack of my uncle's cigs when I was like 11 or 12. Never had the desire to smoke again.
4. Although, I LOVE the smell of clove cigarettes.
5. I am the World's Worst House Keeper. I abhor cleaning. I only do it out of necessity. Bare necessity at that.
6. I wish I could re-do my wedding day. I would beg Big Shooter to elope.
7. I lost two babies before Boy Child. My heart still yearns for them over a decade later.
8. I don't like men. Big Shooter is one of very few I care to be around longer than say 60 seconds. The other two are my dad and Big Shooter's dad. I mean c'mon! Who wouldn't love someone who takes advantage of anyone and everyone who is gullible enough to believe all he says...like how to gut a deer for example.
9. I am utterly and helplessly frightened of the dark. If I was in a pitch dark room I believe I would keel over from fright. Seriously.
10. Yet, I loved haunted houses and hay rides growing up. Go figure.
11. I've been so angry at Big Shooter I have walked out.
12. Only to return for my toothbrush "that I forgot".
13. Sometimes I can't live with him!
14. But I could never live without him more!
15. Speaking of Big Shooter, sometimes I wonder if he's truly okay with having dated one girl, proposing to one girl, marrying her, and staying with just her. (It's suppose to be honest and juicy here people. I'm being real.)
16. 97% of the time I am thrilled to be Boy & Girl's momma. It's that other 3% that worries me. Shames me. Makes me wonder what the heckfire I was thinking?!
17. I don't get the whole wanting to have a natural birth thing. When it was discovered I couldn't give birth naturally and ended up having c-sections, I was thrilled. THRILLED people.
18. Here's where I ran into the lack of memory problem and had to send out an all points emergency bulletin to friends and family both far and near to ask for their help in telling me, reminding me or brushing away a few cobwebs in my memory in order to help me think of things to share in order to get to the magic 4-0. My Granny Grunt reminded me I believed Hook, Line and Sinker the way to tell a newborn animal's sex was by the color of it's eyes. I and my dear cousin would stand at the fence for hours trying to get the new baby calves to look at us in just the right sunlight so we could tell...
19. When my beloved Gramps died, the same uncle I stole and smoked his cigs came and picked me up from a country saloon at closing time. He never said a word other than, "You're gonna be okay honey," each time he had to pull over to let me hurl. He helped me up the steps of my mother's house. He hugged me each time I burst into tears. I was 37.
20. When I was with Sashi at a MOPS meeting giving a JBF talk, I fell off the stage. I was carrying a card table in front of me and just stepped off into nothingness. When I came to a stop, it was deathly quiet and Sashi was staring down at me with eyes the size of saucers while the 40+ women in the room didn't move. They were speechless and frozen. She helped me up, grabbed her supplies and ran out the door. I thought she was just in a hurry. Nope. When I got to the van, she had her head stuck as far into the van as she could reach and was SNORTING with laughter. I can't drive by or near that church to this day without her spitting pop out her nose with the memory.
21. I volunteered to greet and pass out name badges at our Crumbs special presentation day at school their first year. (before homeschooling) It was a muckety muck event with muckety mucks present all morning. Just before curtain time I snuck in to sit with Big Shooter and enjoy our wee ones song and dance. He'd chose to sit in the front row, center. Of course. I had to bend over and do the hunch back walk over to him in full view of everyone. When I got to him I realized I'd have to step over a bench saved for the teachers. I am 5 feet and 1 inch tall and I was wearing a long skirt. I had two choices. Walk back in front of everyone or hike my skirt up a bit. I should have walked back in front of everyone. Then they couldn't have all heard the seam of my skirt rip as I fell over the bench into my loving husband's arms. It did not end there however. I had to help clean up the welcoming area when it was finished. As another new mom and I sat down on a bench outside to wait for our husbands to drive around and pick us up she looked over and said, "Mrs. Shooter, I don't think I've laughed that hard in a while...and your day just keeps getting better by the minute. It looks like you have two different shoes on." I looked down. Sure enough. In my haste to get out of the house I slid on one brown and one black shoe. She said, "If you're always this much entertainment, I think we'll be great friends." We still are after all these years.
22. The 6 months preceding our wedding I was in Idaho doing wedding things and working while Big Shooter was living in Okie-homa. Once a week I would practice my almost nil culinary skills on my soon to be FIL. His most memorable meal was suppose to be called Chicken Enchiladas. He lovingly refers to it as Pile of Garlic with a dash of Chicken. There are no longer any vampires in the state of Idaho.
23. The first few months of marriage Big Shooter did not fare any better. One night I cooked Teriyaki Chicken Wings for him. I'd made it many times. He loved them. I grew arrogant in my newly found skills and neglected to follow the basic cooking rule of Don't Drink and Cook. I vaguely remember Big Shooter waking me and asking me what was supposed to be in the oven. We had pungent aroma of Burnt Teriyaki seared into every fabric, upholstery and even the paint for months.
24. I had brain surgery a few years back...I needed that like I needed a hole in my head.
25. While looking at my scans my neurologist with that most fabulous bedside manner reported I had an unremarkable brain.
26. I can't seem to cook bacon without my built-in timer. a.k.a. A smoke alarm
27. I cannot tolerate any kind of skin trauma. Doesn't seem to matter if it is a paper cut or a ten inch gash. I'll see you again when I wake up.
28. I worked the steering wheel and gear shift while my younger cousin worked the pedals whenever we stole my gramps old international pickup and tore down the lane. Problem was, he'd have to come rescue us b/c I could never quite conquer reverse on my own. We were 9 and 6.
29. Did you know you can rip the back bumper off a caddy if you back in to a parking space too far over the cement barrier? Well you can.
30. Have sadly passed on my irrational bawling, squawling, hissy-fit throwing when I get hurt gene to my very unassuming and innocent Girl Child.
31. i thoughtfully christened Big Shooter's new truck for him after he'd had it for two weeks. It was in the repair shop for almost two months.
32. Got my second speeding ticket going to the bank to withdraw $ to pay my first speeding ticket.
33. Regularly gave swirlies to my Jr. High neighbor Shirley. (Now before you get all righteous on me, she did it willingly. I don't know why? I don't like to dwell on it. She just did.)
34. Went to minor emergency for a pregnancy test the first time we suspected we might be expecting.
35. Belly laugh at least once a day. Every day.
36. Spent my entire honeymoon in a hospital.
37. Ran hurdles. Did I mention I'm 5'1?
38. Love, love, love to watch boxing. Share a birthday with Oscar De LaHoya. Mmm. Mmm!
39. Married the love of my life and had his spawn.
40. Love my life.

That wasn't so bad. Congrats if you got this far!

I realized as I was typing, some of these would be great posts. If you have any in particular you'd like me or Big Shooter to elaborate on, please let us know in the comments. Who knew this would lead to that most precious commodity to bloggers...blog fodder. Cool.

Love Note to my Big Shooter: Thank you for taking yet another trip down Memory Lane with me. I always get a renewed appreciation for you when I have to face what you do every day being my soul mate! (Heh. As if I haven't earned my crown and all the jewels in Heaven being your cell, oops soul mate as well!)

Big Shooter sheds Some Light

...on himself.

Note from Straight Shooter: Y'all, I was very leery of this post. I watched out of the corner of my eye while he answered. There was lots of smilin' goin' on. Lots of chuckles (the diabolical kind) and his fingers tapped tapped at the keyboard so fast I was amazed. In the end, he was true to his personality and cracked at least himself up!


Flea asked: How did BS propose? Did he?

Technically i did propose...but it was a fight to do it on my terms. S.S. is a romantic, i am not. S.S. is aggressive and take charge, me - not so much. But I have my ornery side so I made her wait. She thought it would happen at Christmas, it did not. She thought it would happen on valentines day, again you guessed it bloggy freaks, it did not. I took my own sweet time, and did it only after I knew I had waited as long as I possibly could. Ya see if I had waited any longer she would have moved to Australia. (not joking on that point) But when it did happen, it was totally stupendous. The only thing that detracted from the romance was I forgot to take the toothpick out of my mouth. Ohhh and BTW she said yes. But she had to because unbeknownst to me she already had the date, church, flowers, preacher, and cake arranged. I told you she is a tad aggressive. Now more interesting than the proposal was the honeymoon. But that is a totally different story.

Dawn asked: What is your idea of the perfect date?

Ya'all do know that I am a man right? In spite of popular belief, men do not have perfect anything. I am a fly by the seat of my pants, whatever S.S. thinks is fun I will endure type guy. And I keep my mouth shut when I am not having fun. You see S.S. reads serial killer novels and could dispose of my body in about 1000 ways. So my perfect date consists of waking up the next morning. And beer.

FIL: Would love "Big Shooter to tell us how do you gut a deer?"
I need to take this opportunity to inform all the bloggy freaks that I was severely abused growing up. I have never dealt with this subject openly, but it is about time that the truth comes out. I was the only male child growing up with a mom and two sisters. Alone in the world so to speak. Then God saw fit to give me a father figure. Unfortunately I got a sadistic, evil, maniacal, individual whose sole purpose in life was to wreak havoc with my poor tortured soul. Ya see I was not raised as a hunter, so I looked to my elders to educate me properly in the art of killing innocent animals. FIL took it upon himself to perpetuate the abuse, by publicly asking this question. As a right of passage, young men who kill must also clean the trophy. I have no problem with that. It is only fair, it is the way our ancestors did it. BUT.... our ancestors were never told to clean the kill in the fashion that my sick and twisted father instructed me too. He is so evil!!!! You see I was told that the last step in guttin the poor dead animal that I just blew away in a very heinous way and to keep the meat from getting contaminated by deer dung was to stick my finger up its anus and to cut around my finger. I learned this when I was 14, I did not learn that this was total BS until I was 24.
So FIL I have a finger held up in the air for you, I bet you know which one.

Dear F.ather I.n L.aw also wants to know: "Have you ever shot your sister with a B.B. gun?"

Yeah but she totally deserved it, and I would do it again if I had the chance. It is the only way in which I could deal with knowledge that I had my finger in a deer's anus.

FarOutMom asked just a few questions:

I want to know where he buys his right sexy glasses?

At Studs R Us. I get a discount.

Does he still do that hissing noise when he speaks of one pair of his glasses?

COBRA....pssss pssss.

Where is the wig that he wore in the above picture?

Sitting by my bed ready to be worn during emergency stripper incidents. You never know when a bachelorette party is in need. Now I just need one of those Bat Caves with the cool poles you slide down. You know the kind when you get to the bottom you miraculously are transformed into your super-alter ego. Just call me ROCK-MAN!!!!!

Does he wear it to work? Or anywhere? And try to pass it off as his own?

No need to pass it off as my own. No one recognizes me when I wear it. I will say that most people that see it are afraid - very afraid.

Does he wear the pleather pants on any occasion? Say, Friday nights? wink-wink
Only when S.S. coughs up the cash. I may be easy, but I am not cheap. Or is it I am cheap but not easy.... I forget. Besides pleather is not good for the wink-wink, do you know how hard it is to get out of those things?? If you are not careful you can seriously hurt yourself. And baby I am not a starfish, those things don't grow back.

BS, can your wife come to KC for a weekend since I can't make it there for her birthday this year?
Of course, but she has to bring the kids with her. I have a wig and tattoos....I got places to be that are not appropriate for the crumbs.

Can I have some Arby's coupons?
You sure are demanding, how about I just send you cash, or maybe you would prefer a new car.

Will you write a post about some of the antics that S.S. doesn't tell us about?
S.S. scares me. I love her dearly and would never tell her secrets. And she scares me.

Are you still in the screen printing business?
Nope, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Are these questions to boring?

Sorry what did you say? I fell asleep for a bit.

Have you ever split your pants in public?
Did you say split or Sh**? Yes to both. But I have had cancer so shame on you for asking.

Have you ever stolen a road sign?
I prefer to say I borrowed it indefinitely. Along with cash and cars. Obama calls it redistribution of wealth....who am I to disagree.

Have you ever egged or tp'd a house?

I would never waste TP like that. It is a gift from the Gods. Eggs on the other hand are just hard, white chicken poop. So i am cool with it.


Christine asked: Was your Halloween costume actually the one time last year you got to be yourself? C'mon, you can tell me!

If you only knew how close that costume is to the real me you would never allow me around Pete again. If I could, I would wear it every day!!!!! Except the pleather, it tends to chaff a bit. But such is the price for being a ROCK GOD!!!!!!

Love Note to my Big Shooter: This was fun. This was a great break in the same ole, same ole. Thank you for doin' it. heh, heh. I said, "doin' it". I guess all that pleather talk got me thinkin'. I'll meetcha in the Bat Cave...near the pole you mentioned...