January 10, 2010

Sex Talk

Last Christmas Eve (2008) I decided I wasn't waiting any longer for Big Shooter to get over...well, whatever he needed to get over to have the Sex Talk with the Boy Child so I could have the same talk with the Girl Child. 
So I decided to do it myself.  Both of them.  At the same time.

Let's just say I now have the best advice in the world to hand out to parents all over the world trying to save themselves from having to do the Sex Talk more than once. 

Do more than one.  Do as many as children you have.  Do practice sessions.  Do extras.
Just don't do them AT THE SAME TIME!  Ever.

I'm not going to get into the whole conversation and questions here.  Just know that when some certain information finally sank in,  Boy Child sputtered and choked, "I have to do what to my wife??"...in front of his sister.  And later, "Do I have to?  Will I get a divorce if I don't want to?" 

And Girl Child?  Poor Girl Child.  She couldn't say anything for days other than, "Mommy, does it really, really, really hurt when the baby comes out?  Or just really hurt?"  I felt awful for her.  I'd crushed her little Mommyhood Bubble.  The girl was meant to me a Momma.  Aside from all the tom-boy, dirt, animal-loving and  target shooting...she just wants to be a fantastic Momma.  She talks about it all the time.   She practices.  She plans it.  She dreams about it.  Ooooh the trauma of learning the truth!

Now, mind you, I made it all wonderful, ooey-gooey and lovey-dovey.  I really did.  In fact, I've shared how I approached it with many mommas and daddies who have shared it in the same fashion.

That isn't the problem.

It's the natural curiosity since it all start soaked in + the unabashed openness the Shooter Household is known for that makes, at times, even my toes curl with the questions these precious little maturing Crumb Snatchers now ask.

No matter when or where we are (much, much, MUCH to Big Shooter's chagrin), if they ask a question about sex answer as honestly as I possibly can.  After a year of this it's not a big deal any more and I love the fact they trust us enough to ask all the questions that just seem to pop in their heads from out of left field. 
I am also relieved to announce, after a year, Big Shooter has chilled out and can now calmly field a tough sexual question instead of directing all traffic my way.

This all brings me to today's conversation while driving to a movie.

We were parked at a corner with a gentelmen's club on Boy Child's side of the car.  Girl Child said, "Ick.  Did anyone read that banner?  It said, 'Coldest Beer and Hottest Girls in Town'.  Now who in this car would want that???"  Big Shooter tightened my hand bc we've been wondering when we'd have to address the strip club issue since we live on the side of Plainsville these establishments are seen more often.  Before we could say anything, Girl Child reported from the backseat, "Ummm guys...you should know...your son just raised his hand.  Apparently, he wants cold beer and hot girls."
Now my hand held a death grip on Big Shooter's since he was trying to suppress a grin.  (Have I ever shared the one testicle story about Boy Child?  If not, just know Big Shooter gets a big kick and sigh of relief whenever our boy shows any natural interest in girls... Then remind me after the Blessed Event - Olympics - is finished and I'll tell you how we have a Leftie - as in, he has only one left.)

 After our cautious explanation, they both came to their own conclusions.
These were that Girl Child didn't want to become a stripper. (sigh of relief)
And Boy Child had apparently changed his mind about wanting cold beer and hot girls once he found out they were naked.  (sigh of relief from me...a "go figure" shrug from his father). 
I guess we did our religious, right-wing-nut-job, conservative, redneck jobs well.

Although, when they fully understood what actually took place, they naturally went to the sex subject.  They both asked questions about the actions and attitudes of a strip joint leading to sex, the desire for sex and sexual temptaions...Sex, sex, SEX!  (Is this all these spawn think about now??)

Before we had time to gather our thoughts on all the questions and decide where to start, Girl Child very firmly declared, "Well, I've decided if I'm ever tempted...I'm just gonna slap a sticker on my flower that says OUT. OF. ORDER!"

Big Shooter released the steering wheel, threw his hands in the air, and shouted...

Yep.  We're making progress.

Love Note to My Big Shooter:  Yep, sex, sex, SEX... I wonder where they get that from?  Hmmmm.  Heh, heh.


ShEiLa said...

YOU Straight Shooter have the most delightful way of telling a story. I sure needed this... I am feeling better. It was one of those days... I have them quite often since my honey is in the middle of a mid-life crisis and if its not simple he has a breakdown... yep it was one of those days... so Thank YOU!!!


Flea said...

I'm sending my kids to your house.

That whole "I'm not ever having kids because it hurts"? Passes. Totally normal, even for one who wants nothing more than to be a momma.

Soliloquy said...

JUST Saturday, Spin and Stink had "the talk".

Stink told him he already knew everything about it, but somehow his jaw still dropped open when it was "out there".

AND??? He asked how often we 'do it'.

GAH. I don't know who's more afraid of our closed door now. Me? or Him?

Anonymous said...

LOL! That's great. That is a subject 'off limits' in the home I grew up in; however, I like your open and honest approach. We've told our kids how babies are born, because they asked, but have gotten no further. I'm not looking forward to it, I'll be honest.

I LOVE your daughter's Out Of Order sticker idea. I may use it! ;-)