July 7, 2008

Politically incorrect thoughts from a tree hugging gas guzzler

I have a confession. I drive an Excursion. It gets 9 miles to the gallon. The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia sends me a birthday card every year. Small children in his country sing my praises.
In these times of high gas prices, a tree hugger such as myself should forgo the Land Beast and embrace the forward thinking, environmentally correct, save-the-planet, God bless the Queen, 80 miles to the gallon modernized scooter.
I mean have you seen them lately? They're hip, innovative, sleek, and down right adorable.

Then I realized, the people I've seen riding these scooters make me want to vomit.

Case in point #1:
Just the other day, I saw a piece of scooter trash in his khaki cargo shorts, environmentally green recycled hemp t-shirt, Birkenstock sandals and of course the all-important helmet made of recycled Styrofoam cups sporting his bad ass tattoo.
Not a Don't-want-to-meet-you-in-a-dark-alley Harley bad ass tattoo. But a triple venti, non-fat, half caf, I-just-spent-$18-on-a-foo foo-latte tattoo. It was the size of a postage stamp placed just above his ankle. I think he was still crying from the shame, I mean pain.
As if to justify my lowly judgemental thoughts, Girl Child phoned me from the rear seat of the Excursion (I hate it when they make long distance phone calls without permission) to ask me if I saw the weird man on the little bike with a bug on his ankle down there by our running board?

Case in point #2:
Female moron with cracker jack driver's license trying to prove she was better than me because she was on her gas sipping scoo-ter instead of belly-up to the bar, drink-as-fast-and-hard-as-you-can-then-wake-up-to-coyote-ugly-the-next-morning, gas guzzlin' Land Beast.
She cut she cut me off.
Let me say it again so you get the whole picture.
She. cut. me. off.
Think it through honey. I've had gnats bigger than you on my windshield.

I've decided scooters are the lowest form of vehicular life. They look up to European mopeds. When they weave in and out of traffic they are like an annoying swarm of flies swarming around a big pile of poo.

Help me spread the word. Friends don't let friends drive scooters.

Love Note to my Big Shooter: It's time to fill the Land Beast darlin'. Do you have any extra body parts we can sell? Your diseased kidney only fetched me a 1/4 tank.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Tip..Granny M looked at scooters this weekend...spending two hundred a week for gas to Hartford and back each day...
Here's a tip for you...sell the beast buy ten scooters...ride one and rent the other nine to the coffee tattoo crowd .....it's only a fad for them anyway...

FIL said...

You telling me that D and Fil need to get rid of our scooters?

Love ya

Rudy said...

Ha! And here I was telling M to buy one for his travels to and from work.....guess I better not push that subject :)

FerLee said...

As I'm about to post this comment the phone rang...it was YOU!!!

I love your little rants. They make me laugh. Seriously, you should have been a comedian. I think you'd be quite good. You have a way of taking those little annoying situations that most of us just put up with and let go...like a gnat...and you put a slightly exaggerated face on it but in a way that's hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

Well...better go if we're going to make our morning appointment with the Shooter family. See you in a bit!!!

Flea said...

You are too funny. :) Time to start pawning the kids bedroom furniture, huh?

Sorry I didn't get back to you about that thing in your garage. The Hunny wasn't quite there with it.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE politically incorrect, tree hugging, gas guzzlers.


Anonymous said...

I'll have to agree about the scooters. haha. This is my first time stopping by your blog. It's fabulous!

Anonymous said...

Okay, you two - you officially crack me up!

Anonymous said...

Ack! Too funny! We don't see too many scooters up here 'round these parts... ruled by Dodge Ram diesels- 1 tonne, of course.
I wear a bag on my head doing errands in my latte lovin' Honda Odyssey. I can't imagine what the locals'd do to me on a freakin' scooter!

Grrrreat post!

The Fritz Facts said...

Love it! I hate being behind scooters. The speed is the issue.

There are a few at my work, even a pink one!

ShEiLa said...

I wonder if I am going to laugh myself into an asthma attack... or coma??? either way it is not gonna be pretty. You SO crack me up... and my husband and I have been seriously talking about getting scooters. Friend are you gonna let me do it? WE HATE gassing up & we can do it for around $50 in our Corolla... $80'ish [I was'nt sure so I asked the man...his reply was... small loan from the credit union]in our Tundra... So how do you do it??? I wouldn't get so ticked off at the LandBeast drivers if... they would slow down... most of them passed us today doing 80-90mph...at least conserve in the speed dudes. As long as you can afford the gas bill for the LandBeast...more power to ya... but I just may have to become....